23 May

Move over Charmin, here comes something leaner

Just when you thought it was safe to come out of the den, little Charmin bear. Oh sure you had the problem with toilet paper sticking to your rear-end, but you haven't seen the worst of it.

I didn't think bears used TP?  

Come to my work in EP, where we enjoy the finest in potty-time hygiene. Introducing, the 1/3-ply toilet paper!

Yes indeed, because toilet paper is so expensive, we'll stock the restrooms full of this ultra-thin rolled-up paper product. Man, if you thought Papa bear got a bit ticked having to sweep the "crumbs" off Baby bear's rear, he'd be bustin' a cap with management on this one fo' sho'.

Oh, and don't call it "toilet tissue" -- the image of nose and toilet paper for me just don't go hand-in-hand -- save it for those elite Britons.

I mean, you can't really call this toilet paper, can you? The fact that I can clearly see my hand through it certainly can't be good.

So why move to this onion-skin type product? I'd imagine it's a couple of reasons for sure. First off, it's probably cheaper, ok we got that out of the way. Second, it's probably because we're likely to use less overall. I personally couldn't disagree more -- based solely on psychology.

If I'm sitting there after a tough minut... two min......ok 5 minute ordeal, the LAST thing I want to be worrying about is whether my hand is going to move through the paper as I'm cleaning. So what do you do to compensate for that? Well, I'm not accustomed to using 1/3-ply paper, so I do what all the muscular show-offs do during the Big Wheel on The Price Is Right... I give a big tug on the toilet paper and grab as many sheets as I can.

Does it look like this will do the job? It better not dissolve once I try wiping. Oh golly, such anxiety. I think it's enough, continue. ::: hesitating:::

It shouldn't be that complex -- with my normal 2-ply, I know that 3 sheets, folded over, will do the job. I'm not willing to risk any "if it's 1-ply, just use twice the normal amount!" type argument. If your suggestion is to use twice as much, why not just stock the usual 2-ply? On top of that, this ultra-thin-ply crap is like sandpaper. To make it "soft", you have to use more!

I'm sure there's countless times where you're sitting at the bar watching a bar fight and it makes its way over to your table and one of the guys knocks over your vodka-Red Bull. Could you imagine trying to wipe up the spill with this 1/3-ply garbage? It would be like cleaning it up with sandpaper -- you'd just be smearing it all over the table.

So anyway, to hell with this TP. Get some real stuff and leave the TP that's trying to rival Listerine Pocket Breath Strips for thinness for the birds.

Categories: Gripe