04 Dec

Buying a lottery ticket can increase your chance of winning the lottery

What's the deal with these non-definitive claims?

No way, really?!

Eating Honey Nut Cheerios can lower cholesterol

Can? What do you mean "can"? Experts say that eating a low-fat, low-cholesterol diet is the best way to reduce your cholesterol. Last I checked, Cheerios, or any other cereal for that matter, could also lower your cholesterol... IT'S CEREAL! IT DOESN'T HAVE JACK FOR CHOLESTEROL IN IT.

Special K... a cereal I like eating once in a while, as a picture of a woman in her workout clothes, measuring her waistline with a sewing tape measure. Next to it is a claim stating that eating Special K twice a day, along with a reasonable dinner may help a person lose weight.

First off, stop dicking around with the word "may". Understand this... if I give my KIDS, yes KIDS, this type of diet, I'm going to get them taken away by Child Protective Services on grounds of malnourishment...... NO KIDDING YOU'LL LOSE WEIGHT. If kids would lose weight, adults (who require more calories in a day) are surely going to lose weight. You're eating cereal for your meals! Even if your "reasonable dinner" was a Triple Bypass burger along with lard fries at the Heart Attack Grill, you still wouldn't meet your daily recommended caloric intake.

Look, anyone who doesn't lose weight after eating (daily) Special K for breakfast and lunch and is honest about eating a reasonable meal... I'll eat my words. But until then, you can take the "may" out of your claim and replace it with "will".

But, sadly, I guess we need to use these non-definitive "can"/"may"/"could" because otherwise, people may think that a reasonable dinner is piggin' out at the local Hungry Heffer (Old Country Buffet) or the big 96'er at Ponderosa.

But seriously, who buys Honey Nut Cheerios because it supposedly helps them fight high cholesterol? You don't, so it's an absurd claim to put right on the front of the box. You lose weight (lower cholesterol) because you're likely reducing the amount of calories (cholesterol) you take in on a given day. It's just a convenient mind trick to get people thinking that somehow, Honey Nut Cheerios is special in that it's only one of a few cereals that has the ability to lower cholesterol. You're argument is based on the non-presence of something.

It'd be just as absurd to say "You reduce your chance of a ticket if you don't flee a police officer." No kidding. There's a 100% chance of a ticket (and then some) if you flee, so even though there still may be a good chance you'll get a ticket if you stop, there still might be a chance you get off with a warning. But the argument doesn't hold... he didn't NOT give you a ticket because you stopped. He didn't give you a ticket because either was in a good mood, or felt you were sincere about what you did wrong. It has NOTHING to do with the fact that you stopped. But, since it's technically correct, it must be ok to use.

And just that something is technically possible doesn't mean you can put it on the package.

"Eating a bowl of Froot Loops can lead to higher test scores in children" -- No way, really? You mean a child who actually has a readily-available form of energy in their body can focus better in class because their body doesn't have to make energy from stored fat in their body? Wow.

And maybe it does, I dunno, but imagine if Cookie Crisp, or some Mountain Dew socially-unacceptable equivalent for cereal, touted the same claim that Froot Loops did:

Jowsuff: What cereal do your kids eat?
Bahrbie: Total Choco Roos with Marshmallows
Jowsuff: Wow, you let your kids eat that?
Bahrbie: Yeah, it says right on the package that "One bowl of Total Choco Roos can help improve kids' performance in school", so I figure why not?

Just stop with these stupid claims. Tout what your cereal has or is made of, and nothing else. OR, if you insist on putting them on there, at least have the honesty to say "Kids who eat one bowl of CEREAL do better in school" (note no brand name cereal listed)

Categories: Gripe